there she lay...

I swept the garage while waiting for her to die. Her little body twitched and twisted, and I couldn't bear to watch as she breathed her final breath.

---------

We took her to the vet last weekend but apparently it just wasn't enough. I knew she was dying since yesterday, when her head kept flinching to the side and she refused to eat at dinner, though she still meows and looks up if one of us passes by. The rest of the litter played and romped about without a care. I took them all out of the cage and left just her inside to have some peace. Placed a piece of soft, clean rag under her, as she lay there weaker and weaker. The least I could do, I suppose.

--------

She was laid to rest just as the sun was about to set. Abah told me to make sure to wrap her with a cloth. A burial shroud.

sharp keris, sharper words

Now this one is definitely about YOU.

Thank you for taking the time today.

I understand, and I forgive you.

Go ahead with things, k. I pray they work out well. Like I said, I'll be here if you ever need me. Just six steps away. Three of yours, and three mine (of course since my legs are shorter, my steps are smaller too lah).

My biggest regret now is unintentionally putting him between our friendship through that stupid what-if. I guess I'll just have to live with that mistake. You once wrote - Why heal in bitterness when you can heal in peace? I hope you can one day find it in your heart to be at peace with it and finally put aside that bitterness. And heal.

If you must know, the tears I've cried over the thoughts of hurting you are easily thirty times more than the ones I shed over the hurt of 'losing' him last time. There's absolutely NO contest there.

I'm always here. Six steps away. Ok?

like a big brother

Like the big brother that he is, he tried to make me feel good about myself, placated my insecurities, soothed my petty worry and then cheered me up with his amusing tales, like always.

I felt a bit guilty when he gets extra nice like that, because in the first place I thought he wouldn't even want to bother much about that petty thing.

Naif.

all grown up

It was a sombre session last night.

= Then there are these women, you know, who'd get close to me simply for the sake of, well, the 'physical' stuff. I don't do that. Not anymore lah. I just can't. Not when I know they don't really love me.

+ Like as a conquest? Hmmhh. And I think you mean you wouldn't. Not that you couldn't.

= No, I don't think I could.

+ Must've been a long time since then. Out of practice.

= I think it's just, well, I've just grown up.

+ Oh yeah, maybe in THAT sense. So, would you like me to tell your parents you've grown up and give them this particular example?

We laughed our asses off.

44

/start rant

Promises are meant to be broken.
Bleargh. Excuses.

But because we've never promised anybody anything, therefore we're not breaking any. So that makes it all right, I suppose. Well that's in YOUR book. Not mine.

In MY book, you're NOT supposed to do this to a friend. Regardless of whatever your excuse is. One just don't. You and your ideals. Bullshit lah. You're just like those you condemn.

If everybody gets the same dish on the menu, then that's another story. But that is SO not the case.

WHY?
As I know I won't get the answer, I won't bother asking you. Not really.

Anyways, as the dynamics have been disturbed, things will never be the same again. We can pretend, of course, but at the back of it all we know that things are different now.

I hate you for doing that.
I hate you.
I hate you.

44 to you too.

Ok, now let's continue with the pretense.
I'm good at that, actually. You just don't know it yet.

/end

oi, hags

1. oi, hags!


We're being a bunch of macam-takde-kerja-lain hags. well, at least 50% of us.

hahahahahahahah!!!! Wicked. You guys know who you are.

In the meantime, I predict that the hags shall meet up more often than usual and more discourse sessions shall take place for next course of actions.

Signed,
Hag #3


2. new interests list

• working out towards 27% body fat
  
• scuba diving (anyone know of any cheap courses available in January 08?)
  
• baju kurung kedah (apparently i look taller in one)
  
• leaving the office BEFORE 7pm
• being a hag LOL

3. yoga

Tried the yoga class and found yoga to be, err, kinda boring. Sorry. Moving fast-fast-fast is more my style. Perhaps when I feel the need to calm down, then I'll go again. Till then, I'd rather run on the good-old-treadmill instead.

1. recovery

The word we're looking at, here, is SCARLESS HEALING. Shingles blisters are supposed to heal SCARLESSLY. Supposedly, lah.

Except for Nerr ("I know from reading British books") and Biah ("a friend of mine got it too last time"), everybody else replied STD (!) when I asked them the first thing that came to mind about it. Cheis, hangguk korang. Kita nampaknya perlu lebih banyak membaca lagi, okay.

2. sweating it out

Am officially made of 31.7% fat at the moment. That's about 16kgs of layers and clumps of gooey adipose tissue. Urgh. Let's see how things are in a couple of months' time. First stage target = 29%. Ultimate target will be 27%. It's a painful and tiring journey but thanks to the pleasant view of beefcakes and hardbodies in the gym, shall trudge on week in and out.

And I've never seen a person who berpeluhs as much as Raymond, the instructor who by the time the cardio martial arts dance class ends, will always manage to spatter half the stage with his sweat and there'll be trails of it too wherever he circled the studio to check that we're doing the moves right. The best thing about his classes is that it seems to be the ones getting the least attendees so there's more space to move around. He commented "Here the studio is big but not many people come for my class, tak tahu kenapa". I did some asking around and apparently they shy away because his classes are 'too intense' and 'belum larat'. Well, their loss are my gain! I simply love his Powerfit classes - never thought you could do fun music routines with weight bars before. This week I was pleasantly surprised when Raymond stopped me from taking the weight disks off after the biceps round and said it's time for me to go for double all the way instead of the usual single disk. So I did (mesti la, mau tunjuk macho woo), and was again surprised that I didn't find them as hard as I thought it was gonna be. Look, Ma, I'm building muscles!


3. emo emo emo

During our impromptu dinner at Chili's (they must've regretted the day bottomless tostados chips was introduced to the menu - we had FOUR refills), Jaja and Kekure commented, "Ted, apsal blog ko sekarang asyik cerita emo je? Bosan ok"

Ah well, once in while everybody should be entitled to some emo time. Ok what. It's in the package of being a Piscean - we're stable and low-key most of the time, but once in a while when the emotions kick in, it'll be a tidal wave and there's no holding back! But afterwards the calm will set in again, no worries. Until the next time lah. Ahaha.


4. closing on with matters of the heart

When it comes to this, practicality, logic, reason and common sense will compete with each other, entwine themselves and become engulfed with that thing by which we go by the name of feelings. Of which there are no set or by-the-book guides, no benchmark standards, no hard rules, no universally-accepted boundaries but the ones that we impose on ourselves.

Until the episode of Mr. E, I've not known the depths by which I could, and would, go through with. And of what I'm capable of in terms of dealing with situations in the most altruistic sense.

I didn't believe in a lot of silly things regarding love before.
About being blind, about being crazy, about pushing the limits, about letting it all go, about priorities, about losing your head, about sacrifice, about the happiness and the hurt, about the acceptance.

I do now.

There are no regrets here.
If only I could tell him how much he had taught me.
If only I could let him know that weird as it may sound, I am still thankful.
For the chance to discover myself.

I think I shall try to be even more reckless in the future.