Wednesday, May 02, 2007

clueless and barriers

It's ok for me when it's Biah, who has known me for quite some time now and to whom I've opened up to unashamedly, with whom I've shared a lot and had shared back with me no less, who had re-discovered our long-lost (haha so drama) friendship back during #ujiminda craze in MiRC, whom I've let in to see me in some of my despair moments and witnessed my outbursts, had seen me cry and push people away, had laughed with me silly and hard over the smallest things - when she's able to read me like an open book and tell me things about me that is so right and so true and I've known it all along but would never say out loud, it's still okay with me, coz it's Biah, and she knows, she does know a lot, she's been there, she's been with me, and it's okay that she knows. I'm damn glad she knows, and damn good of her to tell me like it is.


When it's someone who has just barely gotten to know certain sides of me, someone who I've only known in passing all these while before, and to whom I've barely even opened up to save mostly for our banters of fun and good times and laughs - when he suddenly blurted out last night at point-blank range just ONE thing about me, with the resonant so right and so true and with such ease in his words, after which I failed miserably in trying to say he's wrong. For he wasn't. And he looked so smug there, in saying it like it is and telling me as if he knows it so well too.

It unsettles me. To be read like an open book like that. And the thing is I don't think he even realized doing it.

Now I know why is there all those barriers around me all these while. Why I put them there in the first place. Why it'll be there still. Regardless of the fact that I know now some people might still see through them, though I haven't the slightest clue how.

Like, freaky gila.

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