and you thought you couldn't get...

I've been told by my doctor that I may have gotten something that I've only heard of before and never even knew what it really is. Of course I'd think "hey... can't be lah... no lah.." as the doctor told me two other possibilities of what it might be, and prescribed me initial meds for all three. I even felt like I was in the first half of an episode of House when the team start peppering the board, comparing the list of symptoms against what they know.

So like any other normal person would do, looked it up on the Internet today. And I feel so fucked up while reading up on the symptoms as they fit more and more and BANG! One very particular definitive characteristic hit me right there! Why didn't she tell me about THAT particular characteristic, which would define a specific condition that I might have clearly from the other two?

Gaw. I can now imagine how much more fucked up someone would feel like if you're told that you might have AIDS or cancer.

Rest assured, I'm not gonna die from it. Hopefully. Reading further, I don't fit the profile of people likely to develop more complications than the current situation. Hopefully I went to the doctor soon enough and that the meds are doing their job now. Oh please, God.

But I was truly fucked up and horrified for the 20 minutes of the initial reading and finding out that the symptoms fit. Seriously.

I bet YOU don't really know what herpes zoster is, either.
Yes. I can bet you're horrified too now.

Go on, don't be shy. Read it up. Trust me, it CAN hit you too.

Sorry

I’m sorry that the birthday celebration didn't happen.

I’m sorry that a friend was hurt.

But still, I’m not sorry for the first time the three of us had coffee and we became friends.

Nor am I sorry for all the silly things that was said, the songs that was sung, the jokes shared, the stories told.

His story

He told me his story.

How bowed himself down and took all the blame on his shoulders for ALL the trouble.

And how he wanted, needed, wished, to hear them say that they're sorry for what they did to him as well, that they realize that he was hurt too. That although he had hurt others, part of the reason he did what he did was because of how HE was treated in the first place. By them.

Which is what he didn't get. Sorry is a word which were never offered to him, not once; not directly nor in passing.

How he felt nobody tries to understand his feelings. Or even bothered to know how he feels.

And I couldn't help it. I cried.
Looking at the hurt and pain so obvious in his eyes.

He was baffled when he realized there were tears in my own eyes.

- "Hey, why the hell are you crying ?"

---------------------------

Later.

- "Did you realize, including today, this is the second time you are involved in some of the most significant steps that I took in my life?"
+ "Haha, is it?"

He named them.

+ "Eh ya lah, ah well, glad to be part of it"

He said he needed an ally. To pour it out. Also for advice.

I told him he could always talk to me about things.
To listen, that much I can assure him I could do well. But for advice?

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+"You wanna know why I cried just now?"
- "Why?"
+ "Coz it's so sad. And I think I know exactly how you feel"