Sorry

I’m sorry that the birthday celebration didn't happen.

I’m sorry that a friend was hurt.

But still, I’m not sorry for the first time the three of us had coffee and we became friends.

Nor am I sorry for all the silly things that was said, the songs that was sung, the jokes shared, the stories told.

His story

He told me his story.

How bowed himself down and took all the blame on his shoulders for ALL the trouble.

And how he wanted, needed, wished, to hear them say that they're sorry for what they did to him as well, that they realize that he was hurt too. That although he had hurt others, part of the reason he did what he did was because of how HE was treated in the first place. By them.

Which is what he didn't get. Sorry is a word which were never offered to him, not once; not directly nor in passing.

How he felt nobody tries to understand his feelings. Or even bothered to know how he feels.

And I couldn't help it. I cried.
Looking at the hurt and pain so obvious in his eyes.

He was baffled when he realized there were tears in my own eyes.

- "Hey, why the hell are you crying ?"

---------------------------

Later.

- "Did you realize, including today, this is the second time you are involved in some of the most significant steps that I took in my life?"
+ "Haha, is it?"

He named them.

+ "Eh ya lah, ah well, glad to be part of it"

He said he needed an ally. To pour it out. Also for advice.

I told him he could always talk to me about things.
To listen, that much I can assure him I could do well. But for advice?

---------------------------

+"You wanna know why I cried just now?"
- "Why?"
+ "Coz it's so sad. And I think I know exactly how you feel"

the thing that matters

When a good friend is facing issues at the home front, all the previous petty concerns vanishes in comparison.

My dearest, I hope everything will be ok for ya.

*hugs and kisses*

---------------

Sorry is still owed for the emotional lash.

Everybody has a right to feel what they feel. Including you. And me too. I know that now.

But it's SO not worth it to have a purely selfish moment at the cost of jeopardizing what's been good. I'm so not cut up for that.

Thank you for hearing me out, for having me, for everything.

mission accomplished!

I MADE IT!!!

It took me NINE MONTHS to lose that 11.6 kgs and reach my goal of 50kgs :)
The journey has been long, but seriously I won't say it's been too hard-lah. Chewah. But yeah, seriously. I got moral support, lots of it. I got a gang of friends and close family members who are on a losing weight track too. I was (and am!) still able to enjoy delicious food all the way. The shakes are delicious. It was a fast ride in the beginning, then slowed a bit, up and down back a bit, plateaued for about 3 months there before getting back into the groove to the finishing line.

So what's NEXT?

Of course there's a next. I can't just stop there. This is a healthier lifestyle change, not a fad or a crash diet thingy. Where got crash diet for NINE MONTHS maaa.

So the game plan is -

• First, to maintain the weight loss during Raya festivities. Wish me luck. Going to need LOTS of it!

• Second, to exercise more!

• Third, to lose another 5kgs in order to reach 45kg. The last time I weighed that was wayyyy back in 2003 when I first started working with the current company.

Oh gosh, it's still a long way to go but it's gonna worth it in so many ways, baby!

Thanks for those who's been in my network of support... when I have time I'll list you all, hehe.

P.S - I bought a new pair of jeans to celebrate this afternoon. Low rise, ripped waist. Feh.

Decode this

After the announcement of company raya bonus -

Me :B...Apa lagi…jom cepat beratur!! Mintak duit raya from pakcik!!

J: Sempena Bulan Baik Hari Baik ni… all I can say is No.44.

B : And my only answer to that is … “Yes Please 82“ Wakakakakaka.. ROTFL

J: B...This 85 is so old. But I’m willing to look 87. As it is my pocket will be 97 by end of month. Worst off I may have to sell my 90!!! Hahaha… any takers? No 82s pls, only 38 ok, 69 (the best) or 76s wearing 74 pun ok la, but surely kalau dapat 64, pakcik kaya!!! Menang loteri aku! With that does not mean that I’m a 59, far from it but consider as a 47 stand la ek. I hv no 48, so 44!! No 32 & 33 from u all. And don’t be 23ed la, its only me in my 28 time, thinking, with my mind 9. If u wanna, I can do 42? Anyway…. 48 to say, but I’m not going to be 54 & succumb to you guys punya request for 50!!!

------------------------------------------------

The clue to deciphering the codespeak :

in support of the local book industry

(L - Shahril Nizam, R - Amir Muhammad)

[Hi there. Will you buy our books?
What? You want a plastic bag? Oh, sorry, we're conserving the environment.
I guess you'd have to put your purchase in that turtle-choking, non-biodegradable plastic bag you already got for your groceries then.
Or just carry it lah, free publicity summore for us what...]

[This is the first edition ok. Hot off the press. September 2007, see?
Throw in another RM5 and we'll even sign it!]

[The purple book? Re-printed in its original 1970's form you know. Buy la.
Why two different covers for If Only? Couldn't decide la which one to choose and decided to be tamak instead and printed in both. Now let the buyers have the dilemma to choose..
Muahahaahah!]

---------------------------------------------

Ok. I was just kidding about the RM5 signing charge.

Venue :
Amcorp Mall, PJ

Bought :
Two (2) copies of Malaysian Politicians Say The Darndest Things (MPSTDT)
Two (2) copies of If Only
One (1) copy of Where Monsoons Meet

(Grand Total : 5)

....thus putting me in Shahril's list of Notable Buyers hahaha!

Link : Amir Muhammad
(Compiler : MPSTDT)

Link : Shahril Nizam
(Illustrator : MPSTDT)
(Author/Illustrator : If Only)

time flies

1. Puasa

Look at the date. It's already 4th of Ramadhan.. Selamat Berpuasa to all my muslim friends. As my standard reply to whose who texted me their wishes in welcoming the month where blessings abound, where refrains and restrains are the order of the day - May Ramadhan bestows its many blessings upon us all, and may it brings barakah for everybody.

Already guilty of going shopping for baju raya. Tee hee. In plural.

2. Aqif

Dear, dear sweet Aqif, my one and only (so naturally he's the 'favorite' haha) nephew, turned 2 today. We wanted to get him a bicycle this morning, but news of the passing of a relative cut the shopping trip short and we only managed to get him this year's baju raya (maroon, which he proclaimed "Cantik!!" and refused to take it off for about half an hour after we put it on him for size). He just started to string words now making simple sentences - "Nak fish", "Tutup cepat", "Wan mana?", "Ni atok". Every moment is such a delight with the little guy. Dad is so proud of the fact that Aqif enjoyed the kebun and has in fact been 'fishing' at the pond - he imagined he'd only be taking Aqif for fishing trips when he's about 5 or so - and there he is busy at the pond, feeding the fish and hungrily eating those that Dad caught before he's barely two! Mamita cherishes the day he finally says her name and the way he'd always prefer to sit with her in the car, and the way he puts his head on her shoulder when she carries him. God he's so lovable!

3. The hat says ...

If one thing's for sure, what the charts say about Taurus-Scorpio pairings are so true. I've not really paid much attention to the star signs and whatnots before, mostly because I hate the way they describe my own star sign. But for this case I just have to make an exception. We (me & B) were so surprised at how the way Taurus-Scorpio relationships were described in one of those zodiac sites, which very much mirrored their ups and downs these past few months. If there's ever a more erratic friendship than the one between these two, I don't think I've seen it yet.

I sure wish things will work out for the best of everyone. Yeah, it's that serious.
But I'm keeping the faith.

Communication (or rather, the lack or refusal to it) can be such a killer!

Update as at 17th Sept - They're quite ok again now... my job is done then. Phew!

4. Current song

Menghapus Jejakmu

Terus melangkah melupakanmu
Belah hati perhatikan sikapmu
Jalan pikiranmu buatku ragu
Tak mungkin ini tetap bertahan

Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu
Kucoba untuk terus menjauh
Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu
Kucoba untuk lanjutkan itu

Engkau bukanlah segalaku
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

- Peterpan, 2007