it's a small world after all

such a day in history it was, eh.

oh how it's a small, small world. networks overlap. social circles could still touch somewhere, no matter how off-tangent one may think it is.

A.
- want to watch X? YES
- watch X with Y? YES
- make plans for the day? NO
- want to come with me? YES

B.
- ask the question again? NO
- reply the sms? YES
- make the detour? YES
- tell earlier or later? LATER

seemingly-little decisions made at split seconds, some running away from the norm, produced surprising results at the end of the day.

oh how we laughed till our sides ached over it and made running jokes to the moon and back at 3am. but in retrospect, soberly, it's less of a laughing matter.

trust. respect. gratitude. somebody's future. and more than that.

it's a cruel world as it is, and everybody is fighting their own battle. we all know that, right?

as such, i'm very wary of the possibilities of inflicting wounds inadvertently, no matter how insignificant it may seem at the moment. there's no need for it, surely. and furthermore, things have a way of getting out of control, especially when you least expect it. no reason to risk something that's of no real value to anybody.

to that certain someone, thank you, for sharing my view.

maaf

Dear T-,

I'm so sorry.

I'm just not ready for that, yet.

That fateful day, you caught me at a time when I was so vulnerable.

I tried. I thought I'd be able to let things happen, but now I know I couldn't, not without being unfair. That, I wouldn't want to do.


Be well and best wishes.

the point is?

haih. dia buat lagi perangai lamanya.
dan aku memutuskan untuk bermain malam ini.

tapi sekejap saja.
tak kuasa eh. esok hari raya.

lagipun ia pointless. sekadar saja suka-suka.

no strings attached.

and then...

it's beginning to become a routine. our routine.

the smattering of smses and / or emails throughout the day.
asking each other 'so what's for buka puasa today?' during the journey back home.
the customary long call on the weekend.

routine.
i can do routine.

the thing with a routine is - you begin to start expecting things to come a particular way, regardless of the fact that nobody said anything about anyone having to do whatever.

that's the thing.
you just settle yourself in, the things you do becoming the things you always do.

routine is okay.

it's just the not-expecting part i gotta be careful with.

it's not cast in stone, kay? breaks from the routine is ok too.

cosy

you told me that time, 'don't get too cosy, ok'.

ala, i know lah.

at this point, takde maknanya nak cosy lebih-lebih sgt dgn you pun :p

but i appreciate everything, tau.

who?

like i told you.

he asked me, who are you to me and whether you are my .....?

at that time i didn't really wanna say it as by saying 'yes' will put you in a category.

because if i put you there, now what? so what?
are there things i'm supposed to do because you're that?
am i supposed to start expecting something, because you're that?
so, will you have to start conforming to what it's supposed to be?

i think we'll just wing it lah.

so, are we?

eheh. yeah. just at the moment, kan? let's seize the moment :)

esok lusa we don't know yet. so i'll settle for now.

until then.

oh

you ticked me off about it. that hurts, a bit, at first.

but what you said last was such a salvo.

thanks, as always.

i'll try.



remember the time we laughed our heads off talking about what people say about us?

that's how it is, isn't it?

at the end of the day, all that matters is what each of us really meant to.

just stone the sinner

Bukan maksud ku
Bukan ingin ku melukaimu
Caci-maki saja diriku
Bila itu bisa membuatmu
Kembali bersinar
Dan berpijar seperti dulukala

-----------------------------------

This, will most probably be the last of it.

Not because I think it's not worth to pursue anymore, but because I don't know what else to do.
Because I believe that now, you are happier without me.

-----------------------------------

Because I know and realize you've been hurt really bad. Really, really bad.
By the things that had happened, which were added further on by me. By what I've said and done.

Perhaps most and foremost, of all things, the worst is the hurt by me. That's how it seems.

I don't know what else can I do to show you the regret.
How else can I apologize to you.
What would be the repentance you want to see.


I was told - No. Period.


All the moves I've made so far have been wrong, wrong, wrong. WRONG.

Under the circumstances, no, I can't blame you for not believing me. With all that hurt you've been through, the turmoil I've caused, how could I? If there's one thing you've told me, it's that everybody is entitled to what they're feeling and nobody should ever tell YOU that how you're feeling is not right.

So. As the song goes -
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me
You can put the blame on me

----------------------------------------

Please be happy
For yourself :)

unsaid

When the time is right, please tell me how far the distance, and how many steps it is this time, at least.

I care. So I tried to understand - that's why I looked it up. But moving further along the sideline, in dealing with my own issues, again I tripped and stumbled. And suddenly I found myself too far out and it's already too late.

--------------------------------------------

Be well, then. Really good to know you're doing fine, as fine as can be.

--------------------------------------------

May God help us both heal. In peace.
For I sorely need to stop these tears that keep on falling.

plunge

And again...it's a case of one thing leading to another and out of the line from my initial intentions, things turn into something else. That's why, once you decide to twist the lid open off any such can, you should be ready to face the consequences and realize that those worms might wriggle out and go everywhere instead of staying put right where you want them.

Last nite - I would've parked myself at the gate and waited outside the house till sunrise to face one part of my actions, but I knew that'd be exactly against her wishes. After biting my lips scribbling those two pages of post-its in the dark, I drove my way back with my mind swimming among the many uncertainties of the whole situation. Then the phone beeped and I prayed my utmost gratefulness when I read her message. Of course she has ALL the right to reject my call and to feel like she did, in consequence to how I've implicated her considering she has enough issues on her own. I do hope she was able to laugh as I suggested, or at least smile a bit, at my 'dodginess'.

Yes, I'll face it. Of course I will. I have to be responsible for the embers that I stoke.

Big heart. I'll try to face it with a big heart.

At this moment I do not know how it'll be come tomorrow and the day after, and the day after it.

So I pray that in this plunge, I'd be able to swim back safely to the shore in one piece, with my self-worth, sanity, trustability and heart all intact.

gallantry

"I'll leave you at the lift there and you wait for me to park the car ok.

It doesn't matter if I get wet, but not you".

"Are you okay? Let me give you a hand. There."

"Where are you now? Walking? I'm coming over to pick you up!"

" So tell me what would you like."

"What can I do for you, lady?"

"I'm here to cheer you up."

"Let me get it."

"Don't you worry, just leave it all to me."

--------------------

It's rather nice, actually, when they do that. For all my independent-tough-gal exterior all this while, I think I quite like it too when they want to do it all. I just need practice.


For in the past, my typical response to the above would be:

I don't mind at all / It's ok / No thanks I could do it myself / It's ok don't bother / I don't need help

Now? I'll be saying :

Yes please. Thank you. I appreciate that.


Oh gosh, I'm conforming!

wonder

..and sometimes I wonder -

while you were sending me those SMS-es saying you missed me and the things we did when we were together, what was your wife and two kids doing at that moment?

------------------------------------------

Err.. no no no no no, I'm not involved with a married man. NO. Not that.

It's just.. well, it's kinda complicated.

There's guilt somewhere there.

Is it possible to feel that someone is your soulmate, and yet there is no way you'd get together, not ever? Not if I can help it. So what's the point then?

I do not intend to burn myself with this bonfire.

sharp keris, sharper words

Now this one is definitely about YOU.

Thank you for taking the time today.

I understand, and I forgive you.

Go ahead with things, k. I pray they work out well. Like I said, I'll be here if you ever need me. Just six steps away. Three of yours, and three mine (of course since my legs are shorter, my steps are smaller too lah).

My biggest regret now is unintentionally putting him between our friendship through that stupid what-if. I guess I'll just have to live with that mistake. You once wrote - Why heal in bitterness when you can heal in peace? I hope you can one day find it in your heart to be at peace with it and finally put aside that bitterness. And heal.

If you must know, the tears I've cried over the thoughts of hurting you are easily thirty times more than the ones I shed over the hurt of 'losing' him last time. There's absolutely NO contest there.

I'm always here. Six steps away. Ok?

His story

He told me his story.

How bowed himself down and took all the blame on his shoulders for ALL the trouble.

And how he wanted, needed, wished, to hear them say that they're sorry for what they did to him as well, that they realize that he was hurt too. That although he had hurt others, part of the reason he did what he did was because of how HE was treated in the first place. By them.

Which is what he didn't get. Sorry is a word which were never offered to him, not once; not directly nor in passing.

How he felt nobody tries to understand his feelings. Or even bothered to know how he feels.

And I couldn't help it. I cried.
Looking at the hurt and pain so obvious in his eyes.

He was baffled when he realized there were tears in my own eyes.

- "Hey, why the hell are you crying ?"

---------------------------

Later.

- "Did you realize, including today, this is the second time you are involved in some of the most significant steps that I took in my life?"
+ "Haha, is it?"

He named them.

+ "Eh ya lah, ah well, glad to be part of it"

He said he needed an ally. To pour it out. Also for advice.

I told him he could always talk to me about things.
To listen, that much I can assure him I could do well. But for advice?

---------------------------

+"You wanna know why I cried just now?"
- "Why?"
+ "Coz it's so sad. And I think I know exactly how you feel"

the thing that matters

When a good friend is facing issues at the home front, all the previous petty concerns vanishes in comparison.

My dearest, I hope everything will be ok for ya.

*hugs and kisses*

---------------

Sorry is still owed for the emotional lash.

Everybody has a right to feel what they feel. Including you. And me too. I know that now.

But it's SO not worth it to have a purely selfish moment at the cost of jeopardizing what's been good. I'm so not cut up for that.

Thank you for hearing me out, for having me, for everything.